A Craigslist ad went from the “to much information” category to the best thing you’ll read all day. The listing is essentially for a 5200 series Vitamix blender, but what you really get is a glimpse into what it’s like dating a corporate lawyer.
Here’s the abridged version, but if you’re interested you can read the whole listing here.
“He has nice hair. He apologizes, claims to hate True Detective, and laughs at all your jokes.” so far not so bad, apart from the fact he didn’t initially call back after the first date.
One night you watch a movie about the futility of monogamy, and he freaks out. He’s scared of commitment.
“He’s kind. Not like other corporate lawyers, you tell your friends, who smile painfully. He has values! He’s sensitive! You’ve never been happier, and he says he’s never been happier, and for the first time, you know you’re in love.”
“One night you watch a movie about the futility of monogamy, and he freaks out. He’s scared of commitment. The guy who committed to 80-hour work weeks for nebulous reasons is scared of commitment.”
“You go upstate with a bunch of his friends. They’re all more successful than you. You try to be social, but your confidence is shot. This is when he decides you’re incompatible.”
“He comes over in a panic. He’s sad because “we used to be so happy.” He sees you “in a negative way” now. He sometimes even doubts you’re attractive. Because lawyers think it’s important to present all sides of reality. To acknowledge how illusory everything is, even human connection. A corporate lawyer can predict the future from a mile up his own asshole.”
He clearly wants to break up, but makes you do it. It’s the day after your birthday.
“He clearly wants to break up, but makes you do it. It’s the day after your birthday. A few days later, this Vitamix arrives at your door. Either he wants you back, or he does not understand the human species.”
“He does not understand the human species. Who buys someone they’re dumping a Vitamix? He wants to be the hero of this story: ‘I got this girl an epic birthday gift and then we broke up.’ He wants me to remember him fondly. I can’t abide it. I had fleeting Hollywood fantasies about smashing it in the street, but that’s for waif-bots. I’m not gonna ruin a perfectly good blender. Yet, sitting on my microwave, it looks exactly like the Wappen & Kladden building. I am afraid of it. Please help me.”
It’s a perfectly good blender with a five year warranty and an epic backstory! What’s not to like?