Boston.com reported on Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen’s private chef, their diet was released and it is described as a “hyper-specific, plant-based, nightshade-free, planet-saving, absurdly healthy diet”. Editorial business assistant Joshua Ocampo of Bon Appetit went on this miserable soul-crushing diet… for 17 hours. It’s worth reading. It definitely made me feel grateful that my job didn’t revolve around looking god-like.
Now that 2016 is in full resolution swing, and after a holiday spent bingeing on mom’s cooking, I’ve been trying to eat better, look better, and read more books with words in them. Thanks to Allen Campbell, personal chef to supermodel Gisele Bündchen and apparent athlete Tom Brady, I know every detail of the Brady-Bundch’s diet, which is made mostly of air and, occasionally, food, including organic vegetables and grass-fed meats, all of which is served in bowls (how plate-ist of them). No dairy, no caffeine, no gluten, no fun. Though my dishware is limited, I decided to make the biggest commitment I’ve ever made—to eat like the couple, mainly the Victoria’s Secret model half, for an entire day. Oprah said 2016 will be the year of our best bodies, and I sure as hell won’t be letting her down.
If it’s not in a bowl, it didn’t happen. Photo: Joshua Ocampo
I give up.
Just kidding. Step 1: Buy bowl.
Does Bed, Bath & Beyond sell bowls? Is that Beyond?
Everything-free muffin. Photo: Joshua Ocampo
I found a gluten-free, dairy-free, joy-free pumpkin-spiced muffin at a bakery near the office. No white sugar, no white flour, no dairy, and only cooked with coconut oil and tears of a disappointed pastry chef. You see that girl in the background? Even SHE is skeptical about my diet. That is the look of someone who knows I can put away a five-dollar foot-long in seconds. This is my splurge of the day and only a drop in the bucket for my usual sugar intake. Things are looking up.
That’s what we’d call a stud muffin. Photo: Joshua Ocampo
I took this picture in my underwear and only realized after the fact that all my neighbors could see me taking pictures of a muffin, half-nude. Now I know how G&T feel with all the paparazzi around.
Looking at Gisele’s Instagram. She has a picture of her daughter drinking green juice. You know what I was having at three years old for breakfast? Two hash browns and an Egg McMuffin. No one took pictures of that.
No coffee allowed today. How do people stay awake? How am I awake? Am I dreaming right now? If so, I’ll have a grande soy latte, dream barista, and a flight of cake pops, please. Can only think about what’s for lunch, which sounds promising and only 56 minutes away.
S.O.S. Send Help.
If someone finds me passed out at my desk, please clear my browser history.
I probably shouldn’t have eaten this tiny oatmeal, but I did. Photo: Joshua Ocampo
Pre-lunch emergency snack. Eating gluten-free oatmeal with organic brown sugar and chalky walnuts while listening to Adele is a tragic experience. Do you think I’ll run into a co-worker here at my desk on a highly trafficked hallway? How will I explain these tears? I’ll tell them a vacation request I put through got rejected.
I think I know Victoria’s Secret—she doesn’t eat.
Texted my parents and they seem really excited for me.
Gisele Bündchen does not eat nightshades. Per extensive Google research, nightshades include foods like potatoes, tomatoes, and other underground things. Reading the interview again and I think my favorite question to Gisele’s chef is, ‘What it’s like to be feeding two people whose bodies are so crucial to their crafts?’ because I cannot relate to it at all. My body is crucial to my craft, in that if I am alive and functioning enough to use a computer and answer the phone once to twice a week, everything will be fine.
Currently eating wild-caught salmon, vegan sweet-and-savory spinach salad, and winter squash—in a bowl provided by Conde Nast’s cafeteria (I’ll bring it back!). If eating a salad isn’t a commitment to this project, I don’t know what is. I know the diet is supposed to be 80 percent vegetables, and yes, this is my first taste of them, but still, it hurts. Outwardly, I’m putting my best face forward, proving I’m not so different from Gisele, at least in, um, caloric intake and general positivity. I feel like Christian Bale training for The Machinist. I am Joaquin Phoenix-method acting as a person who enjoys eating healthy and totally selling it. Where’s my Oscar? I’ll settle for a Teen Choice Award!
Liquid lawn clippings, yum! Photo: Joshua Ocampo
Pictured: green juice with cucumber, spinach, parsley, kale, celery, and death. This tastes like lawn. I am literally eating someone’s yard clippings. I am in vegetation hell and Satan is paleo.
Look but don’t touch. Photo: Joshua Ocampo
Went to a bakery and saw a brioche with a crown on it, taunting me. It knows.
Passed out on the couch post-green juice. Feeling feverish. Did I really just get sick from eating healthy for a day?
Dinner: grass-fed steak and an overwhelming portion of salad, per instructions of having 20 percent protein, other percent plants. Blood sugar is low. Feeling faint. Also feeling thinner than usual. Taking a selfie for evidence or new profile pic. I am very tempted to order wine but am stopping myself. Wine can wait, my modeling career cannot.
17 hours later and I feel like Gisele Bündchen, minus literally everything. I ordered a chicken sandwich with French fries, tortilla chips, and extra guacamole to celebrate a job well done and told the waitress it was for research. I asked her to take my picture and she seemed unfazed, asking if I wanted anything else.
“Dessert menu, please.”
Image Credits: Getty